My first STD was from a foam party
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This is the high leading the old right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
