All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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