Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Randomize
