If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
