My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
