im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were destined to go to rehab together
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize