Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
