Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
