It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
