Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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