that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
