he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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