he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I could make wine with my vomit
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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