hotel room ftw
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
