So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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