my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
