I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
