I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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