guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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