Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
