i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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