I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
