I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
