Got a toothbrush?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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