You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
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Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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