I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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