Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
