You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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