Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
