I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son