She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.