Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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