I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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