what day is it and did you see me today?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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