I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
