Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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