I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
