she takes plan B like it's going out of style
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
