Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
