Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
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Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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