whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
