I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the condom got lost in my hair
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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