I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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