Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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