Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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