Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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