You're my little dorito
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
