I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
