if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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