i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
