I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
