im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
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Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.