I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Jerry, you need to find god
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
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The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.