I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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