3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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