he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
