We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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