a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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