how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
