Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
